The Four Horsemen of Relationship Apocalypse
According to John Gottman, the "Four Horsemen" represent toxic communication patterns that, if left unaddressed, can lead to the breakdown of a relationship.
Criticism
Criticism goes beyond complaining about a specific issue; it attacks your partner’s character. For instance, saying, “You never help around the house. You’re so lazy!” focuses on the person, not the problem. Over time, this kind of communication leads to resentment and distance between partners. Instead of criticism, practice offering constructive feedback by focusing on the behavior, not the person.
Contempt
Contempt is criticism taken to the next level. It involves sarcasm, mocking, and disrespect, and is fueled by feelings of superiority. This might look like eye-rolling or sneering while your partner speaks. Gottman’s research shows that contempt is the most destructive of the four horsemen, as it erodes trust and emotional connection. To combat contempt, prioritize gratitude and appreciation for your partner’s positive qualities.
Defensiveness
When we feel attacked, it’s easy to get defensive. Defensiveness is a way of protecting ourselves, but it usually backfires, escalating the conflict. Instead of listening to the other person, we play the victim or shift blame. For example, “It’s not my fault we’re late; you’re the one who took forever to get ready!” A healthier approach is to take responsibility, even for a small part of the issue, and try to understand your partner’s perspective.
Stonewalling
Stonewalling occurs when one partner shuts down emotionally or physically withdraws from the conversation. It’s often a response to feeling overwhelmed or flooded with emotions. While this may seem like avoiding conflict, it actually creates distance and unresolved tension in the relationship. Learning to recognize when you need a break to cool off, and then coming back to the conversation, can help manage stonewalling.
While these are important to recognize, they are just one aspect of what we focus on in therapy. Alongside other key areas, we help couples become aware of these patterns and work on replacing them with healthier communication strategies to foster more positive, productive interactions.
References:
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert. Three Rivers Press.
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The Relationship Cure: A 5 Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, Family, and Friendships. Crown Publishing Group.